Trabalho de Pesquisa para a disciplina de Ingles: Composição sobre Portugal

Dani da Silva
Sakana da Silva
6º F

PORTUGAL

Portugal is located in southeastern Greenland, which is believed to be the Holy Land of earth. Most Mormons and potato pickers live in shacks made of cotton and bagels along the shoreline of Portugal. The islanders are known for their bad tempers and hatred to those who do not constantly eat all the pre-cut cheese and crackers. Visitors to the island should bring with them Magnesium Citrate for their own bowel's safety.

Geography and Demography

Tourists in their way to the sea in one of the largest beaches of Portugal

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Size

It is one of the biggest, largest, and powerful nations of the world, thanks to Socrates, that leads this superpower country so well!

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Administrative Division

Portugal is split into four regions of equal size, these are called Quartugals. The North and the South usually get into conflicts because of such important things like cheese and football.

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Natives

Portuguese is almost not spoken there; even though the natives may swear they actually do speak the language, they are very misleading. Don´t trust any of them. They actually expect that, which goes a long way to explaining their ironic frozen smiles and constant cheese grating.

If you ever have a chance, kill a Portuguese through salted Norwegian codfish slapping. He or she will appreciate this and go to the Além mar, the Portuguese concept of heaven.

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History

Cave Art in Foz Coa - this cave painting represents ancient portuguese with a mustache; the man with the larger mustache was probably the mustachedresser

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Archaic Period

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Finding evidences

Portugal's most ancient archaeological proof was found by the archaeologist Indiana Jones somewhere in India. He identified this proof as being a three-legged monkey with Benfica's t-shirt. Harrison Ford, however, proclaimed Indiana's theory was wrong, defending that it was a two-legged and a tail monkey with Benfica's t-shirt. These controversial theories ended near 2043, when President James Marshall assured to the archaelogical community that it was simply an one-legged monkey with a tail and a huge penis with Benfica's t-shirt.

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Ancient Way of Life

Codshield - codfish became a deadly weapon invented by the portuguese

Ancient portuguese weren't too different from modern ones: men used mustache as soon as they were considered adult; women used mustache only when they had married. The mustachedresser was called bigodeiro. They used codfish as a weapon. Os Lusíadas, an epic poem by Camões, sings about the Big Codfish War, where Vasco da Gama discovers his ancestors in India and fights against them for possession of the Codfish Mines in Norway. Camões describes fifteen kinds of weapons based on codfish. The most popular kind was undoubtly the swordfish. Portuguese were also very prosperous people. Portuguese cities were the biggest in the world. Indiana Jones found the ruins of Fatima and concluded that it was bigger than Portugal itself.

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Kings and such

The first known king of Portugal was the Pope. As he often abandoned Fatima to ride his Popemobile, people had to find another king. So they found Pope's twin brother, who had a similar car. These times were called Divine Mobile Monarchy. After the Divine Mobile Monarchy, Portugal was a Pharaonarchy, and spent two thousand years trying to build a good pyramid for the Pharaoh, but they have never finished it. Today we can see the pyramid's steel framework, decently protected with glass, in the centre of the Louvre. Another King appeared after the Pharaonarchy. His name was King Eusebio, the Black Panther. He weared a Benfica's t-shirt.

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Classical Period

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Trying to usurp the power

Mozart and Beethoven have tried to rule Portugal during this period, but they've never made it. Wagner came with his gracious Valkyries trying to be president, but the best he could do was to build Portugal's first quality brothel. Several statues from the latin-greek antiquity tried his luck, but they didn't know that portuguese people were iconoclast (the only intact statue in Portugal is King Eusebio's; all the others have at least a corrosive pidgeon shitbomb).

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Portuguese expansion

Without any decent ruler, portuguese people expanded to other lands. They constructed strong and fast ships and travelled to Mars, Spain and other distant stoppages. In one of their travels, they met Galileo, who taught them how to be killed by the Pope. Then they met Napoleon who taught how to be an italian in France. As if it was not enough, they met Dante Alighieri, who taught them how to be frighten by a Divine Comedy. These were quiet profitable learnings, and so the portuguese established secret colonies, disguised as codfish traders.

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The big move

Portuguese wanted to be closer to other civilizations. And so they started to separate Portugal from the mainland with a saw. The entire Portugal navigated through the Indic and Atlantic oceans, and finally they anchored near Iceland, a nice spot to catch more codfishes.

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Modern Period

There was never a Modern Period in Portugal. Well, maybe there was, the time when they discovered that the codfish is the Man's best friend after the dog (killed of course!)

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Latest years

Portugal amassed an empire through sea power, however they surrendered the last colony in 1999 when, in line with EU directives, they began investing in wind power. Portugal hope to amass a cloud.

Once a cloud is caught it will be tethered above the Algarve to dissuade Britons from buying any more holiday homes.

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Economy

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Imports

Codfish;
Mustachedresser teachers;
Ukrainian doctors to work in civil construction.
Brazilians, Africans, Asians and all kinds of minorities.

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Exports

The prosperity of Portugal depends greatly on Benfica shirts exportations

Port;
The letter ‘u’;
gal
Brangança and their hor's
Benfica's t-shirts;
José Mourinho;
José Sendas (the one and only holy inventor of Magic and child prostitution)
Luís Figo and Cristiano Ronaldo;
Durão Barroso;
Pyramid's steel framework (estimated time to conclusion: 2937).
Pimba music

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Portuguese Linguistic Cultural Heritage

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The Toilet Paper Heritage

Portuguese Linguistic Cultural Heritage contributed in a decisive way to the development of the well know mathematical theory of the Toilet Paper Paradox. Several portuguese talkers, following the period of Portugition, in which portuguese language, portuguese import, portuguese export and portuguese laws were illegal, were obliged to secretly talk in portuguese only at WC. The consequences were terrible; one of them was the Toilet Paper Crisis, closely related with the Toilet Paper Paradox.

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Emmigration to Brazil

Other portuguese speakers emmigrated to Brazil in the conturbated years after the Great Gay Migration of 1812. There, codfish and other portuguese weapons were not so popular, but brazilians were impressed with some of the words used by the newcomers. "Pelé", "Carmen Miranda" and "Odontopistocraquifugimétrico" are very important portuguese words in Brazil nowadays.

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The vocal "u"

Portuguese language uses only 2 vocals:

The unexplainable sound vocale, typed "a", "e", "i" and sometimes "o".

The u sound (like Kung Fu or doom), typed "u" and sometimes "o".

That means, for instance, that the word Portugal is pronounced like Pewrtoog@l.

In fact, Portuguese was the first language that use the "u" vocal. Thanks to this, several vocabulary innovations were possible. Here are some examples:

Cows could say mooo for the first time;

Mad cows could say wohooo for the very first time;

Foo Fighters could have their name;

Powder exploded for the first actually sounding like boom;

You would never exist.

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Some useful examples of the Portuguese Language

"Fodo-te já" -- Thank you.
"Cabrão" -- Please.
"Anda-me cá lamber o forro dos colhões por dentro." -- What time is it?
"Anda-me cá lamber o forro dos colhões por dentro, cabrão." -- What time is it, please?
"Mata a tua mãe e faz arroz de puta, cabrão" -- Can you please direct me to the nearest train station, please?
"Que espelunca! Nunca comi tão mal na puta da vida..." -- Nice restaurant! That was a very fine meal!
"A puta que te pariu que tos mostro, bófia de merda." -- Yes, i'll show you my documents right away, Officer.

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Portugal in a glance

Population: 30% of the number of inhabitants in the year of 3176 AC. Note that McDonald's clients count as two inhabitants.
Presidents: half a dozen last year; this year one of them will probably be deposed because his name is Filipe.
Kings: two kings and a queen and a God (Dom Lewis Fig, Dom Eusebio and Dona Easy Bell Fig-treeb and José Morinho).
Pharaohs: two mummies that didn't transform in Pharaohs yet; portuguese will vote in a referend to know if they'll buy another mummy.
Area: Half of Lisbon a quarter of Fatima.
Currency: Onions. Portuguese like to cry when they have no coins nor notes.
Government: Each year, kings and presidents toss coin (if there's no coin, an onion will do). Who wins won't need to govern.
Religion: The Além Mar Church.